ajan ise ka ennast närvi

Mul pole just üüratult palju häid omadusi, aga ma loen üheks enda parimaks küljeks enda pohuismi. Jah, see võib mõnikord ka miinuseks olla, aga enamasti teeb selline “las olla” suhtumine elu väga lihtsaks ja mõnusasti kulgevaks. Viimasel ajal olen ma aga nii vastik närvihaige, et ma ajan ennast ka vihale, kohe ausõna. No nagu mingi uss oleks mulle sisse pesa teinud ja nüüd sisiseb seal.

Selles suhtes, ärge valesti aru saage, ega ma siin laste-mehe peale röögi, aga internetis on puhta võimatu olla. Asjad, mis mind enne poleks kulmugi kergitama pannud, ajavad praegu nii närvi, et pean ennast väga tagasi hoidma, et normaalseks inimeseks jääda. Aga pean tunnistama, ei õnnestu kogu aeg ja vahepeal ütlen küll midagi ülbet ja nõmedat. Ise saan samal ajal aru, et issand jumal, Mariann, las olla! Aga eiiiii, ikka pean nähvama ja suskama.

Ma lohutan ennast sellega, et ega kõik minu süü ka pole. Näiteks olen ma FBis ühes fotogrupis (väljamaine) ja ma peaks vist jumalat tänama, et mind täna välja visati, sest pooled pildid, mis seal ette kargasid, panid silmi pööritama. Mitte, et mina hull ekspert oleks, aga kuna seal peaaegu 40 000 inimest ja tõesti ka selliseid, kes ala EILE esimest korda pilti tegid, siis nad lisavad sinna selliseid käkke, et karju appi. Grupil on selline reegel, et AINULT head tohib öelda ja anda konstruktiivset kriitikat. Arusaadav, mistõttu ma enamasti olin lihtsalt vait ja pööritasin silmi kui ise tahtsin, oma kodu privaatsuses. Täna aga lisati sinna pilt, mis meenutas mulle natukene pin up võtet.  No umbes midagi sellist:

Muidu oleks täitsa ok, aga pildil oli kolmeaastane tüdruk ja no muidugi ilma kontsadeta ja sukkadeta. “Põlle moodi kleit” oli samamoodi eest küll kaetud, et otseselt “tissi” näha polnud, aga minu maitsele liiga paljastav, kuigi fotona oli töö väga ilus. Seega kirjutasingi väga viisakalt kommentaari, et pilt on ilus, aga minu meelest oleks tulemus ideaalne, kui lapsele oleks sinna “kleidi” alla pandud pikkade varrukatega valge pluus. Pildi autor kirjutas, et lapsel pole midagi näha ja et tema pole mingi pervert, see on tema laps! Ma vastasin, et ma ei arvagi, et ta mingi pervert on, mul on endal ka kaks tütart, aga säärane rüü tundub MINU maitse jaoks natukene liiga paljastav ja kõik, mis ma öelda tahan, on see, et kui juba kriitikat küsiti, siis ma ütlengi viisakalt, et särk oleks võinud olla ja muud miskit.

Selle peale vastas keegi kolmas mulle trükitähtedes, et äkki ma palun lõpetaksin laste “seksuaalse pilguga” vaatamise ja naks, oligi mind sealt grupist välja visatud.

Jeesus, vana perse küll noh! Ei saa ikka poolt aastatki kuskil elada ja olla, ilma, et väljamaallased mind perverdiks ei peaks. Ja ma niigi olin väga viisakas ja lihtsalt pakkusin enda arvamust, kuna seda oli küsitud ja puha. Mitte ei kirjutanud, et püha jumal, ma nüüd torkan endale kuuseoksad silma, et võimalikult kiiresti pimedaks jääda, sest see on puhta lasteporno.

Mida iganes, nüüd ma olen lihtsalt veel rohkem närvis, aga võib-olla see on jumala viis mind stressist vabastada. Enam ei pea neid pilte vaadates silmi pööritama nagu mingi tont, eks 😀

Raske on see närvihaige elu, tahaks nüüd tagasi normaalseks, “mul suva” olekusse minna, kaua võib?!*

*Tegelt see mingi paar päeva kestnud, aga närvi ajab noh 😀

I don’t have an overwhelming amount of good qualities, but I consider not giving fucks one of my best. Yes, sometimes it can also be a negative, but mostly this “let it be” attitude makes life very simple and flow calmly. But lately I have been such a lunatic that I am making even myself angry, honestly. It’s like a work crawled inside me, made a nest and is now hissing in there.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I am screaming at my husband and kids at home, but it’s pretty much impossible to be online. Things that wouldn’t have made me blink before are so irritating at the moment that I have to hold myself back to remain a normal person. I have to admit, it doesn’t always work and sometimes I say something arrogant and snappy. At the same time telling myself “OMG, Mariann, just leave it!” But noooooo, I still have to snap and stab.

I find comfort in the fact that it’s not always my fault. For example, I am part of this photogroup on Facebook (a foreign one) and I guess I should thank the lord that I was expelled from it yesterday because half the pictures that reached my timeline from that group made me roll my eyes. No that I am a super expert, but since there are almost 40 000 members and that includes people who seriously picked up a camera YESTERDAY for the first time then they keep adding screw-ups. There is a rule that you can ONLY say positive things or give constructive criticism. Understandable, so I mostly kept quiet and just rolled my eyes when I wanted to in the privacy of my own home. Today a pictures that reminded me of a pin-up shot was added. Something like the picture in the post.

I would’ve been totally OK if it wasn’t for the fact that the model was a 3 year old girl and of course without the heels and stockings. “An apron looking dress” was put on her so you couldn’t see any “boob” but it was too revealing for my taste, although a photo it was beautiful. So I wrote a very polite comment saying that the picture was beautiful, but the result would’ve been perfect, if the child had a long sleeved white top underneath the “dress”. The author wrote that you can’t see anything on the picture and they are not some pervert, it was their child! I replied that I didn’t think they were a pervert, I also have 2 daughters, but that kind of clothing was a little too revealing for MY taste and all I want to say that since comments were asked, I am saying politely that a top would’ve been nice and that’s it.

To that someone else responded in all caps that I should looking at kids in a “sexual way” and just like that I was thrown out of the group.

Jesus, fucking hell! I can’t even spend half a year somewhere without foreigners thinking I’m a pervert. And I was very polite, offered my opinion, since they had asked for it. I didn’t write that I wanted to stab my own eyes out with tree branches, because this is clearly child pornography.

What ever, now I am just even more pissed off, but maybe it’s god’s way of eliminating my stress. I don’t have to look at those pictures anymore and roll my eyes, like an idiot, right 😀

Being a lunatic is a difficult task, I would like to be my normal, “I don’t give a crap” self, how much longer is this going to last?*

*Actually it has been just a few days, but it’s pissing me off 😀