Ma mäletan, et ma Lendet oodates põdesin kogu aeg. Tegin vist miljon rasedustesti, googeldasin iga kahtlasemat sümptomit ja üldse selline pidev õnne ja hirmu segu oli peal. Nagu öeldud, sedapuhku nii ei ole. Ma ei karda mitte midagi, sest elus lähevad asjad ikka nii, nagu nad minema peavad, meeldib see meile või mitte. Muidugi arusaadav, et sellist suhtumist on raskem võtta, kui üritad elueest beebiootele jääda ja lõpuks see õnnestub ja… ah, eks siis olegi teine teema ja kanaemadus võib kohe ikka täiega peale lennata.

Praegu on mul selline fiiling peal, et kui see vaene laps juba nii paljude tõenäosuste kiuste meieni jõudis, ju siis ta on ka selleks siin, et siia jääda. Mul on naljakas kuulda neid imestusi, et kuidas ma ometi julgesin nii varakult rääkida ja kas ma ei karda “ära sõnumist”. Mul on kahju seda öelda, aga ära sõnumist ei ole olemas. On lihtsalt elu ja see kuidas ta läheb, see on üsna… random. Ma täpselt protsenti ei mäleta, aga ikka üsna suur protsent rasedusi katkeb enne 12dat nädalat ja enne 9dat nädalat on see protsent veelgi suurem. See juhtub tuhandetel naistel iga päev ja miks? Seda ei teagi keegi. Selles suhtes saan aru sellest, et enamik ei tahagi sellel põhjusel rasedusest varem rääkida, sest neil pole soovi ka katkemise korral inimestega seda jagada. Mina…Mina jagan nagunii.

Kuigi jah, olgu öeldud, et ma mingi kuukese oleks vast veel ikka enda teada jätnud, täitsa…niisama. Polnud nagu midagi öelda, nagu te näete :D Aga kuna jah, see juba igal pool jutuks oli, siis ma ei tahtnud ka valetada. Jah, esimene kord võin naljaks pöörata, aga kolmas, neljas, viies kord on juba veits imelik. Muidu olen lõpuks nagu Koit Toome, kes oma ema-isa surma nimel vandus, et tema pole selle meikari lapse isa ja siis lõpuks oli mingi, aaaa klge, ma ajasin sassi, ikka olen jah :D

Ühesõnaga, sellest hetkest kui ma ütlesin, et ma olen beebiootel, mis oli nagu… just, olen ma saanud kokku viis kirja, millel on sama sisu: “Olen mõned nädalad rase, vahepeal oli halb olla, aga nüüd enam ei ole, kas mu rasedus võib olla peetunud?”. Ma olen kaks korda elus rase olnud, enne seda praegust korda ja ühe korraga ka läbi elanud raseduse peetumise ja seda ma ütlen kohe heaga: sümptomite (ajutine) kadumine EI tähenda enamasti kindlasti raseduse peetumist. Kui minu rasedus päriselt peetus (ja ma trippisin sellega veel nädalaid enda teadamata ringi) iiveldasin ma ikka räigelt, tissid valutasid ja pea pööritas mis hirmus. Kuigi rase ma enam ei olnudki.

Seega ärge põdege üle ja ärge mõelge, et issand, eile oli mul süda VÄGA paha, täna ainult NATSA paha, äkki on midagi pahasti?! Ma muidugi ei taha öelda, et shit does not happen, sest mõnikord ongi asjad pahasti, aga üldiselt inimene neist ise aru ei saa, enne kui arst seda ütleb (või okei, kui tekib mingi verejooks vms). Seega pole mõtet enast üles kütta igasuguse muretsemisega. Jah, lihtne öelda, raskem teha. Aga vähemalt nii palju saan ma oma kogemustest öelda, et sümptomite tulemise ja kadumise pärast küll muretseda ei maksa. Keha on lihtsalt nii hormoone täis, et ei saa ise ka aru, mis ta teeb või ei tee.

Muidugi nüüd selle jutu jätkuks ma pidin kohe googeldama enda katkemise keissi ja näete, siin see ongi:

Esiteks mu paanika, kui UH näitas väiksemat rasedust kui ma ise kalkuleerisin: https://mallukas.com/2015/10/27/ma-kardan/

Muuseas, ma hiljem sain teada, et see hematoomi viirg seal, see juba tähendaski seda, et loode oli peetunud ja keha hakkas teda nn välja lükkama. Great times.

Siin ma rääkisin sellest, kuidas see kõik värk oli. Nii kahju kohe lugeda, ma mäletan, et ma olin tõesti nii nii nii siiralt kurb… https://mallukas.com/2015/11/11/eilne-paev-3-surin/

Siin ma rääkisin haiglas käigust ja puhastamise protseduurist: https://mallukas.com/2015/11/14/minu-13-ja-reede/

Ja siin veel natukene selle teema jutujätku: https://mallukas.com/2015/11/11/jutujatkuks/

Tagantjärgi tekitab nende lugemine küll kahetisi tundeid. Nagu mäletan seda kurbust, aga samas kui küsida, kas ma praegu üldse peale seda olen mõelnud sellest katkemisest siis… ei ole. Tõesõna null korda olen ma mõelnud, et ooo, mul oleks praegu nii või naa vana laps. Muidugi siis arvatavasti mõtleksin, kui mul poleks kaht last veel ja mul ikka vedas täiega, et ma peale seda päris ruttu Lendet ootama jäin. Äkki ma temaga selle pärast nii palju põdesingi? Et just oli halvasti läinud.

Mul praegu endal sõbrannal kahjuks juhtus ka peetumine ja temaga vesteldes meenus ka see vastikusetunne, kui keegi sind haletseb, nagu ma viimases lingis rõhutasin. See “sa nii noor, proovid veel ja saad lapsi!” on nii… nõme! Minu meelest on parim mis sa teha saad sellises olukorras on lihtsalt inimene ära kuulata, vastata kui ta küsib ja proovida ta naerma ajada või tähelepanu mujale juhtida. See kallistamine ja patsutamine ja nunnutamine… See ajab hulluks.

Muidugi mul pole tegelt õrna aimugi, miks ma rasedana lambist pika eepose raseduse katkemisest kirjutasin…Ehk selle pärast, et tõepoolest, see on üsna levinud asi ja kui see peaks juhtuma kellelgi, kes seda loeb praegu, siis…it’s okei! Ja kui praegu pole, siis varsti on okei, tõesõna. Aga enne ei maksa kurvastada, kui midagi pole pahasti läinud.

Rohkem mittemuretsemist ja beebisid, I guess! Sest ega need rasedused lõppevadki kaht moodi: kurbuse või õnnepisaratega. Enamasti ikka õnneks õnnepisaratega.

Lõpetuseks väike pildike ühepäevasest Lendest, sest ta on päris äge:


I remember being scared all the time while expecting Lende. I must have taken a million pregnancy tests, googled every suspicious symptom and over all felt a mixture of happiness and fear. Like already said, this time it’s not like that. I am not scared of anything, because things will happen as they are supposed to, whether we like it or now. Of course that is an attitude that is though to have when you are trying to pregnant for dear life and it end up happening and… well, that’s a different situation and becoming an over-worrier mother is easy.

At the moment I feel like if this poor soul has made it to use against so many odds, they are here it stay. It’s funny hearing people saying that how I dared say something this soon and am I not afraid of “jinxing” it. I am very sorry to tell you, but there is no such thing as jinxing it. It’s just life and the way it happens is sort of … random. I cant remember the exact percentage, but quite a lot of pregnancies drop before week 12 and before week 9 the number is even higher. It’s happens to thousands of women every day and why? No one knows exactly. I understand that’s the reason most people don’t want to say anything before then, because they don’t want to share the story, if it doesn’t hold. I … I share it anyway.

Although yes, let it be known, that I would’ve wanted to keep it to myself for like a month, just … for no reason. I didn’t have much to say, like you can see :D But since it was a half-topic anyway I didn’t want to lie Yes, the first time you can spin it as a joke, but the third, fourth and fifth time is a little awkward. Otherwise I would’ve been like Koit Toome, who swore on his mom and dad that he is not the father of that make-up artists child and then in the was was like. oooh. yeaaah, I mixed thing up, I am the dad :D

Long story short, from the moment I announced my pregnancy, which like .. just happened, I have already received five letters saying the same thing “I am a few weeks pregnant, sometimes I feel bad, but now I don’t anymore, have I had a miscarriage?” I have been pregnant twice before this one and once lived through a miscarriage and this is what I have to tell you: (temporary) loss of symptoms mostly does NOT mean a miscarriage When I had my miscarriage (and I walked around with it for weeks without knowing) I was still super nauseous, my boobs were sore and my head was spinning like crazy. Although I wasn’t pregnant anymore.

So don’t overly stress about it and don’t drive yourself crazy thinking that yesterday I was SUPER nauseous and today I am JUST A LITTLE nauseous, maybe something is wrong?! Of course I don’t wanna say that Shit does not happen, because sometimes something is wrong, but usually the person cant tell before the doctor tells them (or OK, if there’s bleeding or something) So there’s point in getting stressed out with these kinds of worries. Yes, it’s easier said than done. But at least I can tell you this much ffrom my experience, that symptoms coming and going is no reason to worry. The body is just so filled with hormones, it doesn’t know what it’s doing or not doing.

Of course I now had to google the case of my miscarriage and here it is:

Firstly I was panicked about the ultrasound showing me less pregnant than I had calculated myself: https://mallukas.com/2015/10/27/ma-kardan/ 

By the way, I later found out that the hematoma column there means that the I was having a miscarriage and the body was starting to push it out, so to say. Great times.

Here I spoke about the whole experience. It’s so sad to read, because I remember I was so sincerely so so sad…..   https://mallukas.com/2015/11/11/eilne-paev-3-surin/

Here I spoke about going to the hospital and the cleansing process: https://mallukas.com/2015/11/14/minu-13-ja-reede/

And here’s a little more on the topic: https://mallukas.com/2015/11/11/jutujatkuks/

Reading these back is giving me mixed feelings. Like I remember the sadness, but at the same time if you asked me if I had thought about it since that … no I haven’t. Honestly I have not thought about how old the child would be even once. Of course I would think about it, if I didn’t have two other kids and i got super lucky I got pregnant with Lende so quickly after. Maybe that’s why I was so worried about Lende? I had just been through something bad.

One of my friends is going through a miscarriage now and talking to her made me remember the disgust of someone pitying you, like I talked about in the last link. the whole “you are so young, you will try again and have more kids!” is so …. awful! The best thing anyone can do in that situation is to listen to the person, answer if they have any questions and try to make them laugh or distract them. Hugging and cuddling and patting … it will drive them crazy.

Of course I have no idea why I, out of the blue, wrote such a novel about miscarriages while being pregnant… Maybe because it is quite a common thing and if it should happen to someone who is reading this then… it’s OK! and if it’s not OK now, it will be, I promise. But there’s no point in being sad before anything bad has actually happened.

More not worrying and babies, I guess! Because there are only two possible outcomes to a pregnancy: sad or happy tears. Mostly it’s happy tears.

I have added a little picture of one-day-old Lende, because she’s pretty awesome.

Jaga: