tulge piiluge mu rahakotti, emakasse ja voltide vahele! / come take a look into my wallet, my uterus and between my folds

Ma elan oma peas sellises illusioonis, et kõik inimesed, kes puutuvad kokku mu blogi, Instagrami või Facebooki lehega on mu eluga sada protsenti kursis ja on lugenud iga jumala postitust, vaadanud iga pilti ja parimal juhul ka mu akna taga piilumas käinud, et ikka kõike teada. Loobun nüüd sellest illusioonist, sest ma ei jõua enam pettunult ohata. Kogu aeg küsib keegi midagi, millest ma olen rääkinud, või olen ma samale küsimusele mitu korda vastanud. Selle pärast teen selle postituse – kui keegi veel küsib, siis ma saan selle lingi anda ja asi ants! Ma olen nagu üks avatud raamat, pole mul midagi varjata (va seda mitme euri eest ma täna riidest mähkmeid tellisin, seda ma varjan Kardo eest :D).

Sa oled rase v? See oli ju aprillinali? Ma ei teadnudki, et 2.04 aprillinalja tehakse. Või terve aprilli jooksul öeldud asjad on aprillinali :D?

Kas rasedatele tehakse rasvaimu? Ei, ei tehta. Aga selleks peaks rasedusest ka teadma. Kliinik muidugi enne kontrollib ka – mulle tehti nii veretest kui ultraheli, aga kumbki nendest rasedust ei näidanud. Ju siis oli selleks ajaks veel liiga väike, sest kui nad oleksid raseduse tuvastanud, ei oleks protseduuri kindlasti tehtud. Seega kõik teooriad, kus pakuti, et “ma teadsin, et ma olen rase, aga kuna tasuta sain, siis ei raatsinud aega tühistada” peate kahjuks maha matma. Mind lausa isegi huvitab, et kes on see inimene, kes sellise teooria peale tuleks, et oleks valmis teadlikult riskima lapse eluga, et saledamat pihta saada…Kurb mõelda natsa.

Kas see rasvaimu võis loodet kahjustada? Kirurg ja arst arvasid, et nemad selle pärast ei muretseks. Samas kunagi ei saa öelda 100%, et kindlasti mitte. Iga asi võib loodet kahjustada, kui nii mõelda. Õnneks oli rasedus siis veel nii väike, et suure tõenäsusega ei olnud meie vereringed veel ühendatud. Ja kui olidki, siis lohtas arst mind sellega, et ka rasedatele tehakse operatsioone, seda tuleb ikka ette.

Kuidas sa ei tundnud, et spiraal välja tuli? Vot ei oska vastust anda. Ju siis olen sealt alt selline ämber, et ei tunne enam midagi. Loodame, et see aitab mind ka kolmandal sünnitusel. Küsisin eile UH ajal ämmakalt ka, et kas tolgendab juba poolde põlve või, aga ta ütles, et visuaalselt tundub igatahes timmis 😀

Kas Kardo läheb tagasi tööle? Ei.

Kust te siis raha saate? No mina ikka teen tööd, seega tuleb nüüd umbes aastakene natukene tagasihoidlikumalt hakkama saada ja lõpuks hakkab ju Kardo ikka uuesti isapalka saama. Elame üle!

Miks sa makse ei maksa? Vahepeal keegi pommitas mind selle küsimusega terve päeva, aga mind polnud juhuslikult arvutis ja õhtul, kui kommentaare lugema hakkasin, oli see tundmatu õnnetu inimene juba närvivapustuse äärel. MIKS ma ei maksa? Täiesti ausalt öeldes ma maksan  küll makse. Ma nimelt mõtlesin, et tahaks endale stabiilset sissetulekut ja tervisekindlustust ja hakkasin endale palka maksma. Muidugi nüüd, rasedana, on mul nagunii tervisekindlustus, aga ma ju ei teadnud siis, et ma kavatsen rasedaks hakata 😀

Palju sa makse maksad? Mingi veits alla kuue soti. Jube palju tundub küll kuidagi, aga mis sa ära teed, kui peab. Ma tahtsin endale alguses väiksemat palka maksta, aga mu raamatupidaja hakkas mu südametunnistuseks, et kas sulle meeldib kasutada teid, haiglaid ja muid riigi hüvesid? Jah? Vot siis maksa rohkem makse! No näed siis… Peaks endale uue, väiksema südametunnistusega, raamatupidaja otsima 😀 (nalii).

Skeemitasid endale emapalka juurde, jah? Need kõik küsimused üritavad ikka sinna jõuda, et ma kuidagi ette oleks pidanud teadma oma rasedust. Aga ma ütlen kohe ära, et emapalka arvestatase eelmise aasta järgi. Seega saaksin ma midagi “skeemitada” siis, kui mu laps sünniks järgmine aasta. Aega ma tagasi kerida ei oska, seega ei ole mul siin ka midagi skeemitada. Nagunii suuremaks ma seda ei saaks ka parima tahtmise juures, sest suuremat palka ei ole mul võimalik endale isegi maksta #kurb.

Kas Kardol kodus igav ei ole? Ma ei kujuta ette, vahepeal on kõigil igav ma arvan 😀

Kas sinu meelest ei ole ebamehelik, et mees kodus on? Kus need mehed siis olla võivad, kui kodus ei või? Mul on tunne, et osadel mu lugejatel on mehed, kes on mingi max mehised, soovitatavalt metsaraiujad. Ruudulise fliisist särgi ja maani habemetega. Suurte musklitega. Teevad hommikust õhtuni füüsilist tööd ja koju jõudes annavad naisele meheliku laksu piki tagumikku, söövad kõhu täis, ütlevad lastele head ööd ja heidavad magama. Selle suhtes, et kui ka on kellelgi selline mees, siis minugipoolest. Mulle ausalt nii meeldib, et Kardo kodus on ja tegeleb lastega ja on meile alati olemas. Ma ei tea, kui see on ebamehelik mingisuguste standardite poolest, siis las olla pealegi. Kui Kardo mulle maru ebamehelik oleks, siis ma oleks vist vähem rase 😀

Kas Kardo ise on rahul? Pole kunagi kurtnud? Ma meenutan siiani helgelt ühte korda, kus ma töötlesin parasjagu pilte, kui sain kaks meili mingite lepingutetingimustega, mida ma pidin läbi vaatama ja KOHE vastused saatma. Samal ajal tuli Mari kaebama, et Lendel on midagi püksis. Hakkasin arvutit käest ära panema, kui tuli kolmas meil pealkirjaga “KIIRE!!!!”. “Kardo, vaheta palun Lende mähe ära!” hüüdsin ma Kardole, kes parasjagu kööki koristas ja võtsin arvuti kätte tagasi, et näha kus-mis põleb, et nii KIIIRE!!!! on. Siis pobises Kardo: “Mulle tundub, et mina tegelen palju rohkem lastega….”.

Minu reaktsioon:

Järgnes minu hüsteeriline monoloog teemal, kuidas ma elan pideva surve all teenida piisavalt raha, olla piisavalt adekvaatne ema, kes kindlasti oma lastega kord päevas midagi meisterdab, sest muidu olen ma sama hea kui süstivast narkomaanist mõttetu emalaadne toode, kellelt peaks lapsed ära võtma. Samal ajal pean ma olema enam-vähem adekvaatne naine, kes ei tohi oma välimust päris käest ära lasta. Ma peaks leidma aega sõpradele, et mitte päris ära kaduda selle pereelu sisse. Ma pean pidevalt tundma süütunnet, et pean tööasju tegema, samal ajal vaadates, kuidas Kardo lastega õue mängima läheb või neid naerdes mööda maja taga ajab, samal ajal kui mina pakin kotti, et teiste mudilasi pildistama minna. Ma pean jõudma kõike, kõigini ja igale poole ja nüüd härra tuleb mulle ütlema, et TEMA ÄKKI TEGELEB LASTEGA ROHKEM KUI MINA?! Kordan veelkord, VABANDAGE MIND?!?!?!? Haha, ma ei saa seda vestlust isegi mitte meenutada, sest see ajab mind korraga naerma ja närvi. Aga see jätkus umbes nii, et kui härra soovib, siis mingu ta heaga oma külma lattu tööle tagasi, kus ta 9-6ni auto varuosasid komplekteeris ja proovigu ära unustada see õudne kodune elu, kus ta saab laste kasvamist pealt näha, nendega päeval lebotada ja multse vaadata, aias mängida ja nende uneajal oma lollakaid arvutimänge mängida. Tõepoolest, milline raske elu ja raske taak tal on, eks?!?!??!?!?!?

Tema reaktsioon:

Sellega meenub mulle see hea nali, et keegi saatis mulle mingi võõra kuti Twitterist pildi, kus oli selline jutt: “kui tuju halb ja meel mõru, siis mõtle, et vähemalt sa ei ole malluka mees”. True that, sest minu mees on ikka jube sitt olla 😀

Ühesõnaga, nüüd te teate kõike, mis teil teada vaja on! Kui veel küsimusi on, siis küsige julgelt. Ma pean nüüd ennast autokooliks valmis panema, sest nagu näha on mul veel piisavalt vähe kohustusi ja KEEGI siin peres peab ju need load ka ära tegema. Ma härrat ei tahaks sellega tüütada, tal niigi raske elu… 😀

I have this illusion in my head that every single person who has come in contact with my blog, Instagram or Facebook page is 100% informed about my life, has read every single post, looked at every picture and best case scenario has been looking outside my window to know absolutely everything. I am now giving up on that illusion, because I can’t sigh in disappointment anymore. Someone is always asking about things I have already written about or I have answered the same question multiple times already. That was the inspiration behind this post – if someone asks again, I can just give them this link and be done with it! I am an open book with nothing to hide (except how much I spent on reusable nappies today, because I am hiding that from Kardo :D).

You are pregnant? Is it April fools? I didn’t know April 2nd is April Fools day. Or anything you say within the month of April is an April Fools?

Can pregnant women get lipo suction? No. But in order for that the pregnancy must be knows. The clinic, of course, checks too – they gave me a blood test and an ultrasound, but neither showed pregnancy. I guess it was just too early, because if they had discovered pregnancy they would have done the procedure. So all the theories, where people were guessing that “I knew I was pregnant, but since I got it for free didn’t want to cancel” can stop now. I am actually curios to know who the person is that came up with it, who would knowingly risk the life of their child to get a slimmer waist… That’s a little sad.

Can Lipo Suction damage the fetus? The surgeon and doctor told me not to worry. Of course there isn’t a 100% guarantee. Anything can damage the fetus, if you think about it. Luckily the pregnancy was so small that most likely we didn’t have a joined blood circulation yet. And even if they were, the doctor told me that pregnant women still get operations, so that happens.

How did you not feel the IUD coming out? Well I can’t answer that. I guess I just have a bucket down there that it doesn’t feel anything. Lets hope that helps me with the third labor. I asked the midwife yesterday at my ultrasound if the IUD is floating around in my knees already, but she said that visually everything looks OK 😀

Is Kardo going back to work? No.

But how will you make money then? Well I will keep working, so for about a year we have a tighter budget, but eventually Kardo will start getting parent pay again. We will survive!

Why are you not paying taxes? There was a period where someone kept bugging me with this question all day, but I wasn’t at the computer and in the evening when I eventually got to reading the comments this stranger was on a verge of a nervous breakdown. WHY am I not paying? Honestly, I do pay taxes. I thought I wanted a stable income and health insurance and I will start paying a salary to myself. Now, when I am pregnant, I do have automatic health insurance, but back then I didn’t know I was going to be pregnant 😀

How much do you pay taxes? A little less than six hundred a month.  It seems a lot, but what can I do. I wanted to pay less salary but my bookkeeper asked me if I like using the roads, hospitals and other government benefits? Yes? So then pay more taxes! There you go… I should find a new bookkeeper, one without a conscience 😀 (kiddiing)

So you’re scheming to get more parent pay? All these questions circle back to me having to have known I was pregnant. But I will tell you that parent pay is calculated by your last year’s income. So in order to have an option to “scheme” anything, my child would have to be born next year. I can’t go back in time, so there is nothing to scheme. I couldn’t get it any higher anyway, because I can’t pay myself anymore #sad.

Isn’t Kardo bored at home? I have to imagine everyone gets bored sometimes 😀

Don’t you think it’s unmanly for him to be a stay at home dad? Where should the men be, if not at home? I feel like some of my readers have these max manly guys, preferably lumberjacks. With big flannel shirts and beards touching the ground. Big muscles. All day long do physical labor, slap their wife on the behind when they get home, eat dinner, say good night to the kids and go to bed. I mean, if someone has a husband like that, fine by me. I honestly like having Kardo around, taking care of the kids and him always being there for us. I don’t know, if that is unmanly based on some kinds on standards, that’s fine. If I thought Kardo as super unmanly, I would be less pregnant 😀

Is Kardo happy with the situation? Has he never complained? I still think back to this one time when I was editing some pictures, when I got two emails with some contract conditions that I had to review and send back IMMEDIATELY. At the same time Mari came up to me telling me that Lende has something in her diaper. I has about to put down the computer when I got a third email with the subject line URGENT!!!!! ” Kardo, can you please change Lende?” I yelled to Kardo, who was cleaning the kitchen, picked up my computer again to find out what was so URGENT!!!!. Kardo mumbled “It seems I deal with the kids way more….”

You can see my reaction in the three GIFs above.

What followed was a hysteric monologue how I am under constant pressure to make money, be an adequate mother, who has to do crafts with her children at least once a day, because otherwise I am just as good as a heroine addict useless excuse for a mother, who should have her kids taken off her. At the same time I have to be more or less adequate wife, can’t let my appearance go. I should find time for friends, not to drown in just home life. I have to constantly feel guilty about having to look Kardo taking the kids out to play or chasing them around the house, while I am packing a bag to go take pictures of someone else’s child. I have to do everything, get to everyone and everywhere and now sir is telling me that HE IS DEALING WITH THE KIDS MORE THAN ME?! I will say it one more time – EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?! haha, I can’t even think back on that conversation, because it makes me laugh and mad at the same time. But it continued with me saying something like – if dear sir wishes, he can head back to the cold warehouse he  used to work at to assemble car parts from 9 to 6 and try and forget about the horrible life at home, where he can see his kids grow up, lay around with them the whole day, watch cartoons, play outside and play his stupid computer games when the kids are taking a nap. Seriously tough life, right?!?!?!?!?!?!

You can see his reaction in the two GIFs above.

That reminds me of a joke where someone sent me a strange guy’s picture on twitter and the text was something like “If you are feeling down, just remember that at least you are not Mallukas’ husband”. True that, because it’s super shitty to be my husband 😀

Anyway, now you know everything you need to know. If you have any other questions, let me know. I have to get ready for driver’s school, because as you can see I don’t have enough responsibilities yet and SOMEONE in this family needs to get their licence. I don’t want to bother dear sir with it, he has it tough as it is… 😀